Too Many Thoughts

I am still getting lost in thoughts regularly. There are many things I feel deep hurt about, deeply angry about, that I’m having trouble accepting, worrying about, scared of, or rethinking my whole idea of.

It seems all this thinking is not helping to resolve anything. I don’t know how to let go of certain things, don’t know how to relax my mind, I’m afraid to speak up or stand my ground against others whom I value a lot. I am finding it difficult to make decisions on things in my life, especially those that tread on others feelings or different opinions than my own.

I am feeling increasingly alone, regardless of who is around me. I feel like what I think or feel isn’t valid. Except for my therapist I don’t feel I have any neutral ground to stand on with someone and talk about how I feel and what I think and the whole big long mess of tangled yarn that are the issues I need to learn to resolve, be confident in, or learn to let go of. Unfortunately I only see my therapist about once a month for 45 minutes and that’s not even close to enough time to start talking about things.

In the last 4 months I’ve been going to see her the majority of the conversations have been focused on the puppy and my break down after bringing him into the house. I feel like 75% of everything discussed has been more for the benefit of others around me than for myself. I’m still fighting with myself more than anyone sees on a daily basis just to keep the puppy. There are good and bad moments but I still would not have chosen to go through this for myself.

People around me including my therapist sometimes tell me they are happy about how much progress I’ve made. It only makes me feel frustrated or disappointed because I’ve just regained enough control again to plaster on that “everything is fine, I don’t want confrontation with others” face. They don’t see what’s still going on inside. Nor do they seem to realize that the only reason I am coping better is because the puppy has grown up a bit and knows more. Give me something like that again right now and I’d fall again in no time. Nothing inside me is fixed or better, only what was at the time, the immediate big stress factor has been removed. Add another puppy, a child, or any thing else that would cause me stress I couldn’t easily get away from and I’d be right back where I was or worse.

It’s not just about the puppy, in so many ways I barely recognize who I am anymore. There are too many things clogging and clouding up my mind. Until I have a way to process each and every one of the many issues bothering me, I doubt it’s going to get better and I doubt I’ll be able to move on past the point I’m at.

Tennis Ball Head

I saw this on Facebook and thought it was pretty cool. I want to make one of my own and let him hang around my computer desk!

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Random Photo Comment

I checked my profile on a penpal site I’m signed up to and found this comment on one of the wedding photo’s I have posted their.

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I was like… What the… >_< Some comments, I don’t understand why people make them or what kind of rise they are hoping to get out of others by making them.

Personally I get a good chuckle or moment to toy with them out of it. :p

An Old Nemesis is Visiting Me Today

My doubts are haunting me this morning again. For a long time I hosted Conversational English sessions with a group of people from a website where people can go to work on their English.

After about a year, I took a break for a while, then hosted a few sessions and stopped again because I was unwell. The group has continued to meet and carry on these conversations which makes me feel happy in some way. On the other hand, I thought I could just pick it up again, hosting new sessions for everyone, but I feel that might interrupt what they have worked on building in my absence.

They meet at a regular time every week on a day that most find best. I always had varying dated and times. And who knows how they have shaped their conversations. They seem very happy with what they have created. Of course I can join them and they welcome me to participate but I’m feeling as if I lost something and I don’t know if it’s in my head or what.

I guess I am not feeling confident that I can pick up what I was doing before or that it might not be as good as what they have now. I’m left feeling very unsure of myself at the moment, as where yesterday I was very excited about the idea.

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

For the longest time I didn’t understand why when I was around certain people, or when I would see what some people do, I would often feel emotionally overwhelmed and depressed. I couldn’t put my figure on the core of the problem, though I always had an idea. I have to face it, for years I probably didn’t even want to admit it, so how could I face it? It’s because they are living, or at least what I consider really living their lives. They know who they are, or where they want to go. They are fearless or, they face their fears head on and do things anyway. It’s because they have talent or abilities, or possibly none at all, but they don’t care. They stand up and do what they enjoy; what gives them pleasure regardless of what others say (or don’t say).

I am paralyzed by my fear, by self doubt, by self loathing. It’s impossible to accomplish anything with these old nemeses choking me at the mere thought of doing something. What few things I do try are doomed to failure, either because I don’t believe enough in myself, because I lack the ability to tell the world to take a flying leap when it tells me I suck at it, because I see there are a million people in the world who can do it far better than I ever could, and that any cruel word said is only amplified 1000 times inside my own head. I defeat myself before I can even get started.

I don’t know how to overcome these issues. I don’t know how to just be myself. Sometimes I wonder if I really know who I am. I don’t want to be just another face in the crowd. I don’t want to follow the flock. I want to be me, whatever that means and regardless of what others might think. Even if it means I stand alone in the end with critics at every corner booing me. At least I would feel real, feel like I was living.

I often feel hollow inside, which is probably why I zone out a lot to random junk that really has no meaning to me. I tend to avoid the things I like the most. I avoid things that offer me inspiration. They tend to make me feel very depressed. I don’t know how to articulate the things that come into my mind. I don’t know how to accomplish things I’d like to do. So, I would be sitting around watching a video, reading a blog/book, or listening to music that inspired me and instead of feeling happy or enjoying it, I would start to feel depressed. I often have to fight back tears or fail and cry til it’s out of my system for the moment. I didn’t understand completely why these things I love so much would provoke such a negative emotional response. It’s because I see them doing the things that give them pleasure. I see them sticking to it despite the odds, despite whether others like it or not. The feeling I have is sort of like the real me is imprisoned in an invisible cage, lost somewhere inside, waiting to be found and released. I want to do and be those things, just, in my own way. I want to not care too much about what others think of it. I want to be okay with doing them for myself, even if no one else likes it.

I guess the questions to be answered are: Who do I want to be? How do I get there? and How do I face my fears and keep going anyway?

Fenrir

Fenrir has grown quite a lot in the last 4 1/2 months since we got him. When we brought him home he was just a little tyke that fit in your lap. He was just over 5 kilo’s. Now he’s heavier than most older children at a whopping 38.2 kilo’s! He’s still growing. He’s only 6 1/2 months now, he’ll still put on another 10-15 kilo’s most likely before he’s finished growing.

Talking About Cellphones

I was just having a little chat about cellphones with someone. She mentioned she’d forgotten all her phones at home, which made me imagine that she had some giant pile of phones laying around. She works in Public Relations, so she spends a lot of time talking to people.

Now me on the other hand, I have a cellphone but I very rarely use it to call anyone, nor does it hardly ever ring. I use my cellphone for everything EXCEPT calling. haha I chat, A LOT, surf the web, write the occasional e-mail, take some pictures with it, use the calendar, play games on it, I just seldom ever make or receive phone calls on it.

Random Sleepless Thoughts

As usual I come to bed early feeling very tired but once in bed my mind starts running around. Various thoughts swirl around among the few marbles I have rolling around in my head; making it a rather dangerous place.

I have no strong thoughts tonight, just a random glob of garble over events from the day. A few off the wall thoughts about characters, stories, and things I’d like to do. And of course the ever present “Why the heck am I in bed this awake?” Perhaps I’m too hopeful that I might actually get some sleep for once.

Today on the bus heading home from my therapy session I saw a little girl sitting with her mother. I guess she must have been about 8 years old. She had a bad scar of her face that ran from her nose, down her lips to her chin. I just glanced at her. I didn’t want to stare and be rude. She already seemed uncomfortable about it, hiding her face behind a hat or burying her face into the bus window. I can’t help but wonder what happened to her. The scars were still purplish red in color so it’s not too old of a wound but I can’t for the life of me imagine what could have done that to her face.

I didn’t find the scar disfiguring, more like colored lines on her face, so it must have been well repaired at some point. I hope she won’t let it bother her in the future. She shouldn’t let it define who she is. It’s doubtful I’ll see her again or ever know her story but I’m sure to always remember those few minutes on the bus today. Some things stick with you, no matter how brief.

A New Beginning?

2013 is just around the corner and although I don’t believe in making New Years resolutions, I am hoping that I will change a few things in my life and within myself. Most may seem small or insignificant to others but to me they would be the beginnings of a new foundation in my life simply for keeping them up.

I think most importantly I want to start writing much more again. Not just stories but also blog posts about my thoughts, feelings, memories, activities, random crap I come across. I need to get back in touch with who I was, who I am now, and who I want to be in the future. I have already started this a little by editing a small bit of writing I did a few years back. I’m also writing letters to a few people. My wish is to write considerably more and preferably on an almost daily basic. This has always been a good outlet for me and I believe it will help me to get a lot of thoughts and feelings in order. My mind is always in chaos, a giant room so cluttered with various stuff and covered in dust as three quarters of it hasn’t been examined in ages. I believe writing regularly will help me to or organize that chaos, or at least give me a means by which I can better access things within.

I also want to work on my weight. I’m not terribly overweight and regardless of my weight I’ve always had a bad view of how I look. I can’t even take a compliment half the time without making some joke or brushing it off. Loosing weight and getting into better shape can only benefit me physically and mentally though, I know for a fact certain problems would be lessened, IBS flare ups, energy levels, general strength, body imagine to some degree, relieve some aches and pains possibly. I cannot see a downside to doing this but for the past 15 years I’ve been terrible about doing anything to get to and stay at a certain weight and activity level.

I want to dress nicer and care more again about my daily appearance. This would also help increase my self imagine generally even if only a little.

I want to strengthen my connections with certain people. I’ve pulled away from humanity to such an extreme over the years. Granted there have been many factors involved in this but I remember things about myself from when I was younger and I seem to have lost some of those traits over the years. They are something I want back.

I want to continue working on projects like crocheting, genealogy, baking and cooking more, learning Chinese, improving my writing skills, and getting back into some Conversational English.

Probably most important of all, I want to overcome the anxiety, my lack of self confidence and self worth, social phobia’s, depression, and whatever else haunts me. I do believe at least part of this can be achieved by working on the things listed above. Every step forward is a step in the right direction, one step closer to where I want to end up.

Life is too short, I want to really feel like I am living mine and have no regrets.

New Blog for Skype Conversational English

I’ve created a new blog that is solely for my English projects. From now on you can find all information on the latest sessions as well all recordings for my Skype Conversational English sessions at www.brokenpuppet.net