One Spark That Set Off a Chain Reaction

It is amazing how one seemingly normal thing like making a new friend can change your whole perspective of the world. I haven’t felt this way since my roommate Mae Mae. Just someone you can laugh with and be silly with, play like little kids, talk about everything from what different toothpastes taste like, or how well will scotch tape hold your face in different positions, to how to unify North and South Korea and everything in between. I knew I had been missing this but I never realized just how vital it is in my life. Someone who needs that friendship as much as I do.

For the first time in over a decade I almost feel free. That’s the only way I know how to express how I feel. It’s like I’ve found part of me that was lost deep down inside and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find it by myself. Now it’s erupting forth like dynamite set off a chain of volcanoes. The chain reaction is immanent and seems there is no stopping it.

I really noticed it this morning as I was walking to the grocery store, Michael Buble playing in my ears and I had to fight off a huge smile on my face. I kept trying to dance to the music while walking. Food has lost all it’s meaning. I no longer feel the need to eat to comfort myself or cure the boredom, or just because it tastes good and I want to enjoy the flavor. So the weight is falling off (5 kilo’s already!). And I am starting to face the core of the things that scare me the most and have prevented me from really feeling alive.

I feel like I am almost ready to face the biggest fears I’ve struggled for so long with. They are still frightening, still crippling at the moment. But I can now give them a voice within myself. I’ve spoken them out loud to myself. Pieces of me that I want to be but fear has suppressed for either my whole life, or at least the vast majority of it. Only free when I was with my roommate.

Now I am ready to give them voice in writing, with fear, but I have to be myself or I will never find my happiness in this world.

I want to be more affectionate with people. Even as a kid I used to hug and touch people more than I do now. I’d walk arm in arm with friends in Collage. Giving massages to friends, cuddling up together for movies or to talk about random things. My roommate, her boyfriend and I all cuddled up together in bed, telling stories and laughing like little kids or to watch movies together. I lost this somewhere from fear. What will others think? You have a boyfriend, a husband. That is someone else’s boyfriend/husband. Why should I care about others impressions? We aren’t having sex. We aren’t inappropriately touching. There is nothing sexual about it. It’s just pleasant. And it’s not like I’d force someone “Hey you, come cuddle with me NOW.” But I seriously miss this aspect of my life, my husband has been one of the few people anymore that I feel I can be cuddly with, but I know I have a few friends who would like and accept it just as much.

Continuing on with the fear of people’s impressions is the fact that I want to meet my friends around the world. I’ve had 3-4 invite me but of course I find every excuse not to go, when really it’s just me stopping myself. I used to go and meet people from on-line, or have them over. Somewhere I got it stuck in my head “You’ve got a boyfriend/husband and most of these friends are guys, therefore you cannot go and meet them on your own because WHAT WOULD OTHERS THINK OF YOU!!!!!” And again I have to tell myself “WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK?!?!?!!?” I’m not doing anything wrong, I just get along better with guys and it’s mostly guys who have been my friends. For the longest time I almost didn’t feel like I could have a male friend over at the house unless my husband was home too. I mean, come on, how small of a cage can I put myself into? Where did I get this crazy thought? And if someone can’t accept it about me, why should I change it? It is ME and I am not hurting anyone.

Lastly, I have to get over the fear of getting out and doing things and going places on my own. For too long I felt I could only go if my husband went, or if he was busy doing something else, then it might be okay. Where did that come from? He is living his life, why am I preventing myself from living mine? I finally escaped the house just to go to Den Haag a couple of times recently and again I had this feeling of pure freedom. Like I had broken some invisible chains holding me down. I want to travel, I want to meet my friends here and farther away and I don’t want to feel fearful for doing so. Now if I can go further, I think I will rip free from the chains altogether.

I almost feel ready to break free and soar. I have an awesome husband who has been a wonderful foundation for me to find stability. Friends who have accepted me through all the anxiety, and a new friend who added the color to my life that it so desperately needed to get me out of the cage. I love you all!

Comments (1)

RogierApril 7th, 2014 at 3:07 pm

I’ve seen these changes up close and they are quite astonishing. I am very happy you are feeling a lot better and that you are finding the courage to go out and do more things.


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