Missing

Some days, especially lately, I’m really missing having a very best friend to talk to about everything, hangout with regularly, and share so many various things with. I always feel lonely, even in a room full of people. Even around people I enjoy spending time with because I always feel like there is something missing. I realize people come and go, people change for better and worse, but it’s especially hard when you don’t even make friends very easily in the first place. Not that I want to complain about the people who are in my life. They are good people that I love and care about. But I think we all need a best friend, someone who can relate to us, someone who wants to really spend a lot of time doing things, even if it’s just hanging out on-line together, someone we can really say anything and everything to and feel comfortable doing so because we know they will understand us. I miss this, sometimes desperately.

Maybe I have a strict definition of what it means to be best friends, does that matter? People have sometimes told me I expect too much. For a long time I beat myself up over this. Thinking there was something really wrong with me. That I was too demanding. Now I realize, I just view friendship differently. I don’t believe best friends are people who can be away from each for a long time and then reconnect like no time had passed at all. In that, I believe that a best friend is someone who always wants to be around in your life and makes you a priority simply because they want to. Regardless of distance, you will both make considerable effort and it won’t even feel like an effort because you want to. I haven’t been faultless in this by any means. All my own problems get in the way, I get tangled up and strangled by them and before I know it, weeks have gone by sometimes. But I want to change that. I want to learn to be the kind of friend that I want to have as well. I used to be that kind of person. I seem to have lost myself along the way over all the years of anxiety and moving far from everything I knew.

Unfortunately I just have to live with it. I can’t magically make a best friend appear. Wouldn’t that be great if we could? I suppose an imaginary friend would be so easy to create, but that’s not the same thing, and I’d likely be carted off to the luni bin if I had one.

I hate feeling so desperate for something and I hate feeling so dependent on something to make me feel more content in life. Even my therapist thinks I need to make more connections with people. It’s just that it’s far more easily said that done. I have met so many people, most don’t stick around, or it’s just a “Hey, how are you?” kind of relationship. Perhaps you go out occasionally and even have fun together but there is no deeper connection and these are not the kind of connections that I need more of at the moment.

So, all I can do is write down how I feel and let the words collect dust. They won’t be forgotten, but instead, locked away in a corner, where they have already been sitting for such a long time. Hoping eventually someone will come around and dust them off.

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