One Spark That Set Off a Chain Reaction

It is amazing how one seemingly normal thing like making a new friend can change your whole perspective of the world. I haven’t felt this way since my roommate Mae Mae. Just someone you can laugh with and be silly with, play like little kids, talk about everything from what different toothpastes taste like, or how well will scotch tape hold your face in different positions, to how to unify North and South Korea and everything in between. I knew I had been missing this but I never realized just how vital it is in my life. Someone who needs that friendship as much as I do.

For the first time in over a decade I almost feel free. That’s the only way I know how to express how I feel. It’s like I’ve found part of me that was lost deep down inside and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find it by myself. Now it’s erupting forth like dynamite set off a chain of volcanoes. The chain reaction is immanent and seems there is no stopping it.

I really noticed it this morning as I was walking to the grocery store, Michael Buble playing in my ears and I had to fight off a huge smile on my face. I kept trying to dance to the music while walking. Food has lost all it’s meaning. I no longer feel the need to eat to comfort myself or cure the boredom, or just because it tastes good and I want to enjoy the flavor. So the weight is falling off (5 kilo’s already!). And I am starting to face the core of the things that scare me the most and have prevented me from really feeling alive.

I feel like I am almost ready to face the biggest fears I’ve struggled for so long with. They are still frightening, still crippling at the moment. But I can now give them a voice within myself. I’ve spoken them out loud to myself. Pieces of me that I want to be but fear has suppressed for either my whole life, or at least the vast majority of it. Only free when I was with my roommate.

Now I am ready to give them voice in writing, with fear, but I have to be myself or I will never find my happiness in this world.

I want to be more affectionate with people. Even as a kid I used to hug and touch people more than I do now. I’d walk arm in arm with friends in Collage. Giving massages to friends, cuddling up together for movies or to talk about random things. My roommate, her boyfriend and I all cuddled up together in bed, telling stories and laughing like little kids or to watch movies together. I lost this somewhere from fear. What will others think? You have a boyfriend, a husband. That is someone else’s boyfriend/husband. Why should I care about others impressions? We aren’t having sex. We aren’t inappropriately touching. There is nothing sexual about it. It’s just pleasant. And it’s not like I’d force someone “Hey you, come cuddle with me NOW.” But I seriously miss this aspect of my life, my husband has been one of the few people anymore that I feel I can be cuddly with, but I know I have a few friends who would like and accept it just as much.

Continuing on with the fear of people’s impressions is the fact that I want to meet my friends around the world. I’ve had 3-4 invite me but of course I find every excuse not to go, when really it’s just me stopping myself. I used to go and meet people from on-line, or have them over. Somewhere I got it stuck in my head “You’ve got a boyfriend/husband and most of these friends are guys, therefore you cannot go and meet them on your own because WHAT WOULD OTHERS THINK OF YOU!!!!!” And again I have to tell myself “WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK?!?!?!!?” I’m not doing anything wrong, I just get along better with guys and it’s mostly guys who have been my friends. For the longest time I almost didn’t feel like I could have a male friend over at the house unless my husband was home too. I mean, come on, how small of a cage can I put myself into? Where did I get this crazy thought? And if someone can’t accept it about me, why should I change it? It is ME and I am not hurting anyone.

Lastly, I have to get over the fear of getting out and doing things and going places on my own. For too long I felt I could only go if my husband went, or if he was busy doing something else, then it might be okay. Where did that come from? He is living his life, why am I preventing myself from living mine? I finally escaped the house just to go to Den Haag a couple of times recently and again I had this feeling of pure freedom. Like I had broken some invisible chains holding me down. I want to travel, I want to meet my friends here and farther away and I don’t want to feel fearful for doing so. Now if I can go further, I think I will rip free from the chains altogether.

I almost feel ready to break free and soar. I have an awesome husband who has been a wonderful foundation for me to find stability. Friends who have accepted me through all the anxiety, and a new friend who added the color to my life that it so desperately needed to get me out of the cage. I love you all!

Missing

Some days, especially lately, I’m really missing having a very best friend to talk to about everything, hangout with regularly, and share so many various things with. I always feel lonely, even in a room full of people. Even around people I enjoy spending time with because I always feel like there is something missing. I realize people come and go, people change for better and worse, but it’s especially hard when you don’t even make friends very easily in the first place. Not that I want to complain about the people who are in my life. They are good people that I love and care about. But I think we all need a best friend, someone who can relate to us, someone who wants to really spend a lot of time doing things, even if it’s just hanging out on-line together, someone we can really say anything and everything to and feel comfortable doing so because we know they will understand us. I miss this, sometimes desperately.

Maybe I have a strict definition of what it means to be best friends, does that matter? People have sometimes told me I expect too much. For a long time I beat myself up over this. Thinking there was something really wrong with me. That I was too demanding. Now I realize, I just view friendship differently. I don’t believe best friends are people who can be away from each for a long time and then reconnect like no time had passed at all. In that, I believe that a best friend is someone who always wants to be around in your life and makes you a priority simply because they want to. Regardless of distance, you will both make considerable effort and it won’t even feel like an effort because you want to. I haven’t been faultless in this by any means. All my own problems get in the way, I get tangled up and strangled by them and before I know it, weeks have gone by sometimes. But I want to change that. I want to learn to be the kind of friend that I want to have as well. I used to be that kind of person. I seem to have lost myself along the way over all the years of anxiety and moving far from everything I knew.

Unfortunately I just have to live with it. I can’t magically make a best friend appear. Wouldn’t that be great if we could? I suppose an imaginary friend would be so easy to create, but that’s not the same thing, and I’d likely be carted off to the luni bin if I had one.

I hate feeling so desperate for something and I hate feeling so dependent on something to make me feel more content in life. Even my therapist thinks I need to make more connections with people. It’s just that it’s far more easily said that done. I have met so many people, most don’t stick around, or it’s just a “Hey, how are you?” kind of relationship. Perhaps you go out occasionally and even have fun together but there is no deeper connection and these are not the kind of connections that I need more of at the moment.

So, all I can do is write down how I feel and let the words collect dust. They won’t be forgotten, but instead, locked away in a corner, where they have already been sitting for such a long time. Hoping eventually someone will come around and dust them off.

Lost Time

I was sitting here thinking about some activities in recent years and I suddenly realized I’ve misplaced a couple of years in my life. I kept thinking about things and they weren’t adding up to 2013! Then I realized how much time working on the house took and the last year with the breakdown. It feels as if this time never existed. I think I wasted the last hour trying to come up with everything going on in that “lost time” in my brain. xD

Suspect Arrested in Brandhagen/Lange Investigations

Recently I posted about Amyjane Brandhagen’s murder. Today the Pendleton, Oregon Police Department arrested a suspect they had been looking for in connection with her murder, and the brutal attack on another woman recently along the Pendleton levy. Below is the article.

Click here to read the East Oregonian Article

Finally things can move forward for the investigations. I hope all of the DNA testing will come back soon so they know for sure what direction to go. If he is the responsible party, he needs to be removed from the streets permanently.

Widower submits a song about his wife of 73 years to a songwriting contest

What a beautiful and deeply touching story! That’s all I can say about this. Dear Fred, I am sure your sweet Lorraine is looking down on you with a happy heart for your most thoughtful gesture of your life together with her. Many thanks Green Shoe Studio Artists for making this happen and sharing such a beautiful piece with the rest of the world.

Click here to read/watch Fred Stobaugh’story!

Remembering Amyjane Brandhagen – 1 Year Later

Today marks 1 year since the murder of 19 year old Amyjane Brandhagen at the TravelLodge Inn in my hometown Pendleton, Oregon. So far as I know, as of today, her murder is still unsolved.

News Report Aug. 15, 2012

News Report Oct. 1, 2012

News Article Aug. 21, 2012

I remember my parents phoning me to tell me the news. I didn’t know her. I had never heard of her. I didn’t know her family or friends. It was just one of those sad bits of information you get, that happens far too frequently all around the world. I thought of how tragic and sad it was but I didn’t know this person, so I went on about my life.

Today a friend of mine posted a video that was made by a friend of Amyjane. A compilation of video’s and photo’s. Visions of a girl that was vibrant, colorful, and full of life. She lived every single day to its fullest with a smile on her face and a spring in her step. She was herself regardless of what anyone else might think. Her faith in God was complete and unwavering. Someone who loved and cared for others deeply; and I believe would have gone very far in this life if she’d had the chance.

Click the image to view the video below.

YouTube Preview Image

Something about seeing her life, knowing a little more than only the sad facts of her death, it’s hit my heart at the core. I may be someone who cries easily at something I find touching, but watching this video and reading more about Amyjane has touched something deeper than that. I’ve spent the last 2 hours doing a lot of crying. I’ve been asking God why this could happen to someone who could have done such meaningful things. It seems such an incredible waste.

Amyjane is truly a person we should all strive to be like. In her yearbook she said “I may not be able to change the world, but at least I can be a splash that starts the change.” Well Amyjane, you have touched a life, a year after yours has ended. I think we could all learn a great deal from you. Seeing how you lived your life inspires me to keep going even though I feel like my life is a dark and lonely road I’ve been traveling for too long. You give me light. God truly meant for you to touch others lives. May your memory now, and forever be an inspiration to others.

One Step At a Time

I really want to work on a couple of things for myself. I don’t know if I will succeed or fail. I don’t know if they will turn out well or go poorly. I only hope along the way I will find the support and strength I need to accomplish them. I want to improve my life again instead. I want to win a battle for once instead of all the negative emotions and thoughts. I love darkness, but not that kind! I don’t want to be overshadowed by them.

I want to make the crossbars for my Marionette, Puppet, Xiaomuou (小木偶) persona.

I want to lose weight. Over all goal would be to get down to 70 kgs again but my starting goal will be to go below 80 kgs.

After I have lost the weight, I want to make the rest of the outfit for my persona.

I want to work on my socialization skills. I don’t need (nor do I want) a million friends. I do, however, want and need a few very close connections to people. I want to apply much more effort to this but I have to get back into the game. I’ve sat alone far too long. I have to remember how to think more about other people again.

I also want to try some different communities or activities. Maybe some will prove to be disappointments or really not for me, but maybe something will prove to be good, or maybe somewhere I will meet someone interesting who sticks around.

I think this is enough of a start. There are many other things I would like to attain, but as they say “One step at at time.”

I can’t even begin to express the depths of loneliness that I feel on so many levels. I have little to no connection to people. I realize half a lifetime has gone by and I’m only more disconnected from the world. I don’t know how to plug into people in the world around me. I can’t make connections the way they do and very often I don’t want to connect the way they do either. I feel like I will forever be on the side lines, be last, or plain not care.

Deviled Chicks Again

I made the little Easter deviled eggs chicks again this weekend. They turned out much better than the weekend before and we enjoyed eating them up too. >:D

Deviled Egg Chicks

I came across this awesome little idea for Easter themed deviled eggs.

The day before Easter Wings and I made some. Unfortunately I made the filling a bit too thin, so they started to melt right away. I had to think of the witch in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy threw the bucket of water on her. “I’m melting, melting!”

Tomorrow the stores will be open and I’ll try making them again. I have a couple of extra ideas I want to add into it.

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