I feel at a loss of how to deal with my feelings since my dad had his stroke.  I still have him… and considering how very bad the stroke was, all the doctors say how very lucky he is, that he would be their teaching example if they taught because he retained and regained and is still regaining after a stroke that would kill or seriously cripple most people.

Still, life has changed for him and for my mother, considerably in some ways.  I worry about them every day.  I cry almost every day.  Sometimes because of something on TV that makes me think of it, sometimes jsut whatever pops into my head.

I think part of my worry is because my dad does not work hard at all on his own.  He will work hard for the therapists but he only sees them maybe 3-6 hours a week.  He should be working hard everyday, all day, trying to do lots of things with his arm and leg.  I just think… how much more he would have back even now if he would just work hard.  I am so afraid he is just going to continue the way he is and miss out on regaining so much that could give him back more of the life he had before the stroke.

I cannot change what happened to him no matter how much I wish I could.  I would do anything if it would just make everything better.  I cannot let go of the fear either.  Still, sometimes when the phone ring my heart just drops and I feel shaky and I fear what I am going to hear when I answer it.

I am worried about my parents future.  All the doctor bills, the fact dad can’t work right now and we don’t know what he will be able to do since he could still have a long road of recovery ahead.  My mom doesn’t know how they will pay for their health insurance in the long run.  It gets crazy expensive since my dad is no longer employeed.  Right now the health insurance costs literally half of what they make every month and that does not include the several hundred dollars they still have to spend on top of that for medications.

I just want my parents to be okay, I want my dad to get better.  I would love for nothing more than him being able to go back to his dispatch job at the police department.  I really believe in my heart he could if he would just work like he’s never worked before.  I know it wouldn’t be soon but I do believe it possible.  Still I see time ticking away and the fear just builds and builds.

And it kills me too that I have to just sit and watch from a far.  That I cannot be there, that I cannot help, that I can’t even visit except to make a phone call or send an e-mail.  I don’t think anyone knows just how much pain I am still in over this whole thing.  I struggle every day so much with it and I don’t know how to feel a little safe or secure or at peace with it yet.

I love my parents so very much and I know some day I have to loose them but I never wanted anything like this and certainly not at this age.  My dad is only 58.  He should be working and driving and running errands and going on vacations and doing all those things he was doing.

How are people suppose to cope with this?  How do you motivate people to do something that is so important that it not only effects the rest of their life (which is the hugest deal of all) but effects the lives forever of their loved ones too.

Watching Dr. Phil earlier he talked about people texting while they are driving.  One girl on the show, she just drives around, no hands on the wheel for even a couple of minutes at a time while she texts her friends.  She drives on the freeway, neighborhood streets etc like this.  How dangerous is that?  How stupid is that.  I am just shocked that she would even think for a moment that it’s okay.  Some people really are idiots.

Do not ask me to care for humanity.  I lost my faith in mankind long ago when they stole from me, all that ever mattered.

~~Kazuki Atsukarai~~

I finally finished my crocheted blanket last week after… well forever and a day.  I had put it aside often for long periods and didn’t work on it.  I will have to fix it a little but that will just be a day or so.  Still… it is done, all the major long work… done. xD

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and the topic was about “Extreme Parenting”.  They looked at parents who give their children a lot of space and parents who smoother their child’s every move.  

There was a lady who lives in New York City.  Her son is 9.  The lady and her husband felt their son was ready to try coming home on his own.  They had talked with each other and their son many times and one day after shopping at a store, they gave him a map, $20, a metro card and told him he could make his own way home. The boy knew exactly where to go and what to do and he made it home just fine all by himself.  The woman was labelled a terrible and unfit mother for letting her son make that trip alone.  I must say I was a little outraged by this.  He didn’t have to travel terribly far, its not the ghetto area or something and the boy is definitely mature enough.  Even Dr. Phil agree’d that the parents were right to let their son make that trip on his own.  

And just because one 9 year old is ready to do such a task doesn’t mean that another child of the same is ready for the same thing.  Every child is different, that is why parents should know their children.

Now personally I believe in something in between, knowing your child, what they can handle and how responsible they are.  I was surprised though how many parents today have become the kind of parents who watch their child’s every move.  Dr. Phil asked the audience “How many of you would not let your child under 10 years of age go somewhere in your town alone?” About two-thirds to three-fourths of the audience raised their hands.  I think this is crazy.  I was walking to school by myself by the age of 6 or 7 and by the time I was 8 my parents were letting me walk many places alone in town.

I understand wanting to know your child is safe but they have to be able to learn things on their own too.  My mother always made me call if I was going to change plans or just to check in every couple of hours.  That never bothered me, it let her know I was being responsible and safe and allowed me the freedom to do things I wanted.

I do not think parents should neglect their children, tossing them out to fend for themselves but as children grow they need more space and responsibility and room to be on their own.  Parents that smoother their children, they think they are protecting them from all the bad things in the world but really all they are doing is driving a wedge between themselves and their children.  They are also crippling their children’s ability to function properly in society, removing their confidence and their ability to learn things on their own within reason.

I just believe there needs to be balance.  A parent should always know their child and what they are capiable of, give them some room, let them test things out, if they are not ready then as a parent, they would know.  But a parent needs to be a guide for a child, not an attachment.  Children shouldn’t have to lug their parents around as extra baggage just because their parent is insecure or wants to protect them from every little bump or bad challenge in life.

Today I got a nice surprise from my friend 陈升东 (for those of you who can’t read Chinese, like me, thats Chen Sheng Dong).  He is a wonderful painter and presented me with this wonderful piece he did of me from a picture I had when I was sleeping on the train table with Jubie. hehe So I just wanted to share it with everyone because I think its so great.

Thanks 陈升东 I really love it!  It’s a wonderful gift!

This is the strawberry cake that I made yesterday.  Originally it was supposed to be strawberry shortcake but I made the short cake and it didn’t turn out right so I made a normal cake instead.  I guess it wasn’t bad as it’s almost all gone now.

I have always loved the story of Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll since I was a young child.  I guess, at least in American culture it is one of those more classic stories that many children have heard or at least seen on TV.  When I was 12 I found an old copy of the book in a bookstore and bought it.  To this day I am curious about when the book was printed.  It’s obviously been printed before copyright dates were required to be printed in books.  I have tried researching the cover art, artist for the artwork and even te publishing company but as of yet, no luck coming up with a date.  

I’m curious about the date for two reasons.  First, just simple curiosity but second because I would really like to get the book repaired but I don’t want to damage any value to the book further than what has already been done.  I doubt it is some priceless copy but still I want to care for it properly, I love old books and I want to care for them in the right manner.

Just to share the images in the book with everyone because I love it so much…

I finally got the last of the artwork that I had commissioned for my blog today so I am ready to start working on the new layout for my blog.  I hope in a few weeks it will be up.  I am so excited!  Now just to figure out which color scheme I want to go with.

Some of the most needed and most appreciated things come when we least expect it.  My friend Jubie did a quick sketch of my newest character creation.  She presented it to me today, without even knowing I was just feeling at a bit of a low point.  It brought such a smile to my face and made me cry.  It was a reminder that the best things come in simple packages and that friends have an uncanny way of being there when you need them most even if they don’t know it.

Here is the piece she did for me…

Thanks so much Jubie bunneh.  Much loves to you always!