Marionette ~~Puppet on a String~~

I can’t even begin to express the depths of loneliness that I feel on so many levels. I have little to no connection to people. I realize half a lifetime has gone by and I’m only more disconnected from the world. I don’t know how to plug into people in the world around me. I can’t make connections the way they do and very often I don’t want to connect the way they do either. I feel like I will forever be on the side lines, be last, or plain not care.

Deviled Chicks Again

I made the little Easter deviled eggs chicks again this weekend. They turned out much better than the weekend before and we enjoyed eating them up too. >:D

Deviled Egg Chicks

I came across this awesome little idea for Easter themed deviled eggs.

The day before Easter Wings and I made some. Unfortunately I made the filling a bit too thin, so they started to melt right away. I had to think of the witch in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy threw the bucket of water on her. “I’m melting, melting!”

Tomorrow the stores will be open and I’ll try making them again. I have a couple of extra ideas I want to add into it.

Too Many Thoughts

I am still getting lost in thoughts regularly. There are many things I feel deep hurt about, deeply angry about, that I’m having trouble accepting, worrying about, scared of, or rethinking my whole idea of.

It seems all this thinking is not helping to resolve anything. I don’t know how to let go of certain things, don’t know how to relax my mind, I’m afraid to speak up or stand my ground against others whom I value a lot. I am finding it difficult to make decisions on things in my life, especially those that tread on others feelings or different opinions than my own.

I am feeling increasingly alone, regardless of who is around me. I feel like what I think or feel isn’t valid. Except for my therapist I don’t feel I have any neutral ground to stand on with someone and talk about how I feel and what I think and the whole big long mess of tangled yarn that are the issues I need to learn to resolve, be confident in, or learn to let go of. Unfortunately I only see my therapist about once a month for 45 minutes and that’s not even close to enough time to start talking about things.

In the last 4 months I’ve been going to see her the majority of the conversations have been focused on the puppy and my break down after bringing him into the house. I feel like 75% of everything discussed has been more for the benefit of others around me than for myself. I’m still fighting with myself more than anyone sees on a daily basis just to keep the puppy. There are good and bad moments but I still would not have chosen to go through this for myself.

People around me including my therapist sometimes tell me they are happy about how much progress I’ve made. It only makes me feel frustrated or disappointed because I’ve just regained enough control again to plaster on that “everything is fine, I don’t want confrontation with others” face. They don’t see what’s still going on inside. Nor do they seem to realize that the only reason I am coping better is because the puppy has grown up a bit and knows more. Give me something like that again right now and I’d fall again in no time. Nothing inside me is fixed or better, only what was at the time, the immediate big stress factor has been removed. Add another puppy, a child, or any thing else that would cause me stress I couldn’t easily get away from and I’d be right back where I was or worse.

It’s not just about the puppy, in so many ways I barely recognize who I am anymore. There are too many things clogging and clouding up my mind. Until I have a way to process each and every one of the many issues bothering me, I doubt it’s going to get better and I doubt I’ll be able to move on past the point I’m at.

Tennis Ball Head

I saw this on Facebook and thought it was pretty cool. I want to make one of my own and let him hang around my computer desk!

Random Photo Comment

I checked my profile on a penpal site I’m signed up to and found this comment on one of the wedding photo’s I have posted their.

I was like… What the… >_< Some comments, I don’t understand why people make them or what kind of rise they are hoping to get out of others by making them.

Personally I get a good chuckle or moment to toy with them out of it. :p

An Old Nemesis is Visiting Me Today

My doubts are haunting me this morning again. For a long time I hosted Conversational English sessions with a group of people from a website where people can go to work on their English.

After about a year, I took a break for a while, then hosted a few sessions and stopped again because I was unwell. The group has continued to meet and carry on these conversations which makes me feel happy in some way. On the other hand, I thought I could just pick it up again, hosting new sessions for everyone, but I feel that might interrupt what they have worked on building in my absence.

They meet at a regular time every week on a day that most find best. I always had varying dated and times. And who knows how they have shaped their conversations. They seem very happy with what they have created. Of course I can join them and they welcome me to participate but I’m feeling as if I lost something and I don’t know if it’s in my head or what.

I guess I am not feeling confident that I can pick up what I was doing before or that it might not be as good as what they have now. I’m left feeling very unsure of myself at the moment, as where yesterday I was very excited about the idea.

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

For the longest time I didn’t understand why when I was around certain people, or when I would see what some people do, I would often feel emotionally overwhelmed and depressed. I couldn’t put my figure on the core of the problem, though I always had an idea. I have to face it, for years I probably didn’t even want to admit it, so how could I face it? It’s because they are living, or at least what I consider really living their lives. They know who they are, or where they want to go. They are fearless or, they face their fears head on and do things anyway. It’s because they have talent or abilities, or possibly none at all, but they don’t care. They stand up and do what they enjoy; what gives them pleasure regardless of what others say (or don’t say).

I am paralyzed by my fear, by self doubt, by self loathing. It’s impossible to accomplish anything with these old nemeses choking me at the mere thought of doing something. What few things I do try are doomed to failure, either because I don’t believe enough in myself, because I lack the ability to tell the world to take a flying leap when it tells me I suck at it, because I see there are a million people in the world who can do it far better than I ever could, and that any cruel word said is only amplified 1000 times inside my own head. I defeat myself before I can even get started.

I don’t know how to overcome these issues. I don’t know how to just be myself. Sometimes I wonder if I really know who I am. I don’t want to be just another face in the crowd. I don’t want to follow the flock. I want to be me, whatever that means and regardless of what others might think. Even if it means I stand alone in the end with critics at every corner booing me. At least I would feel real, feel like I was living.

I often feel hollow inside, which is probably why I zone out a lot to random junk that really has no meaning to me. I tend to avoid the things I like the most. I avoid things that offer me inspiration. They tend to make me feel very depressed. I don’t know how to articulate the things that come into my mind. I don’t know how to accomplish things I’d like to do. So, I would be sitting around watching a video, reading a blog/book, or listening to music that inspired me and instead of feeling happy or enjoying it, I would start to feel depressed. I often have to fight back tears or fail and cry til it’s out of my system for the moment. I didn’t understand completely why these things I love so much would provoke such a negative emotional response. It’s because I see them doing the things that give them pleasure. I see them sticking to it despite the odds, despite whether others like it or not. The feeling I have is sort of like the real me is imprisoned in an invisible cage, lost somewhere inside, waiting to be found and released. I want to do and be those things, just, in my own way. I want to not care too much about what others think of it. I want to be okay with doing them for myself, even if no one else likes it.

I guess the questions to be answered are: Who do I want to be? How do I get there? and How do I face my fears and keep going anyway?

Fenrir

Fenrir has grown quite a lot in the last 4 1/2 months since we got him. When we brought him home he was just a little tyke that fit in your lap. He was just over 5 kilo’s. Now he’s heavier than most older children at a whopping 38.2 kilo’s! He’s still growing. He’s only 6 1/2 months now, he’ll still put on another 10-15 kilo’s most likely before he’s finished growing.

Talking About Cellphones

I was just having a little chat about cellphones with someone. She mentioned she’d forgotten all her phones at home, which made me imagine that she had some giant pile of phones laying around. She works in Public Relations, so she spends a lot of time talking to people.

Now me on the other hand, I have a cellphone but I very rarely use it to call anyone, nor does it hardly ever ring. I use my cellphone for everything EXCEPT calling. haha I chat, A LOT, surf the web, write the occasional e-mail, take some pictures with it, use the calendar, play games on it, I just seldom ever make or receive phone calls on it.