Soulmate
Many people say they want to find their soulmate but what does that really mean? Most people are looking at it only from the stand point of the love between a man and woman. The one person they will marry and live happily ever after in some fairytale story (or so they hope).
What if a true soulmate is something far beyond the bounds of just “being in love”? I don’t think the definition of a soulmate is so black and white as that. Isn’t it possible that a soulmate could very well be a friend, a sister, a brother?
Look around you, is there someone in your life that you love and cherish with all your heart?
Someone who is there not just in good times but when you are at your worst. Who opens up their arms and hugs you, telling you they love you, even in a wordless way after you’ve just screamed every horrible word at them. Who stands there and takes all the anger you throw at them but stays and works it out with you instead of walking away.
Someone who senses something is wrong no matter how big your smile is and won’t let up until they’ve gotten to the bottom of whatever is wrong and helped you through it. They are the person you really can turn to in your darkest hour, who stands with you, supports you, looks after you and shared all of your moments in life willingly and with love.
Someone who, when they are abscent makes you feel like part of yourself is missing too and when they return you feel whole again. Who you never really tire of having around. They could always be with you and it would just feel like being around yourself. Such comfort between people is rare.
Don’t go running around searching for that one true love of a soulmate or you very well might just miss out on your real soulmate who might be sitting right next to you. Love encompasses all things people are just not good at accepting it’s expression except between two lovers. Maybe the world needs to lighten up a little and just let love be as it is and was meant to be.
There are so many things weighing down on my mind and heart these days. Just seems like I find it harder and harder to even be happy. I just want to curl up in bed and live in my head, in my own little world where at least I can cope and deal with things.
Being sick again isn’t helping it at all. It’s yet again set me back when I was just feeling like I was getting ahead. I’ve spent my whole life fighting with moderate health. I am thankful it’s nothing serious but it just seems I catch everything, on top of some of the more chronic conditions I have developed over the years. People are usually one of two ways about it all. They either treat me like I am lazy and making things up or they are constantly pushing to try their suggestions, not realizing they are like the 1000th person in 10 years to tell me that and that I probably have tried it, maybe more then once in the hopes it might help.
Also people always telling you to rest, rest, rest… if I rested every time I was so tired or not feeling well I would never get anything done again. I have to get up and push myself even to do something I like often times, let alone all the things that need to be done. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, don’t want them judging me, don’t want them to give me anything but some understanding that I might not be able to go at their pace or do things the way they do. I do what works for me depending on how I feel and if I’m not there it’s not because I don’t want to be.
This project with my friend and the kids is weighing on me too. I really love working with my friend, love the kids and helping them but as time passes I realize more and more that there is very little I can do from so far away.
I know my friend would say that I help a lot, they can talk to and listen to a native speaker and my friend would say he gets strength from having me around to do this project in the first place. Still, my active role is very small. There is so much I want to do but being so far away I will never be able to do it.
I don’t like that feeling, like I find something I actually like and have passion over doing but it’s just out of arms reach to really achieve anything with. I can’t really put lesson plans together because I don’t know their material, I can’t help them with their homework, I can’t even check what they write down. It’s amazing how little can be done even with a camera and a microphone. And also I just feel apart… like I am not really apart of what is going on but just a bystander passing by here and there who gets the opportunity to pause for a moment. I don’t really feel apart of their lives though I dearly want to be.
I can’t say how I feel about China other then curious right now. I’ve never been there, maybe I would love it, maybe I wouldn’t but part of me wishes there was a way to work it out so I could be there to work with them in person, to really work hard on this project. From here I can do virtually nothing and my friend is just left alone to deal with most things. Of course I don’t speak Chinese either so I couldn’t just talk to a lot of people there but at least being there I could do more. Still I have no ideas to some solution, living here but wishing I could work with the kids personally.
Which then only makes me think of so many things I wanted to do in life and haven’t really done anything. I am still just watching life pass me by largely. I don’t know how to realize the things I want to do or if they are even possible anymore which only makes me unhappy with life.
And so many of my thoughts and feelings of how people should be or what I want just seem so unrealistic, so unacceptable or so weird that it’ll never be accepted really. So I feel really alone in this world. If I give it up, I wouldn’t be Megan anymore but keeping it… what good does it do? I miss my roommate Mae… Maybe she’s the only one I ever had I could live like that with. *sighs* Miss you MaeMae. 
I guess I will always be a dreamer trying to live in a world that can never exist. At least that is really how I feel and somehow it just makes me hate who I am that I can’t just be like everyone else, happy with more stuff, happy with the “norms” of life.
My thoughts are still not very clear so writing them they still don’t come out so clear.
Rogier – Air Pistol – 316/400
Megan – Air Rifle – 211/400
Rogier – Air Pistol – 309/400
Megan – Air Rifle – 181/400
I really want to go to China, meet my best friend and the kids. We talked about it once before but unfortunately due to circumstances it wasn’t possible. Now though, with out project, I feel it’s not just something to do for me to enjoy but also I feel it would serve a greater purpose. I know my friend is having to take care of so many things all on his own and I know many people don’t completely support him, though they say it’s a good idea, he’s left on his own to do so much.
I think it’s time to make a serious plan to go over at least for 2 or 3 weeks. So I am gonna do my best to start saving up enough, maybe by the end of the summer or beginning of fall I can get over there and help out with a few things or at least help promote the project with whatever direction it happens to take.
May 23rd,2010
Personal |
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Scores for our 3rd day of shooting…
Rogier: 197/400
Megan: 184/400
Back shooting today with the air rifle. Just Rogier and I this time as Ivan had to pick up his mom, she returned from a weekend trip to Paris.
Our scores for tonight…
Rogier – 184 out of 400
Megan – 175 out of 400
I was really happy since I shot 20 points better than Thursday. The funny thing is that I started shooting better the more tired I got! haha Really weird!
Seems lately I am out of topics to write about. My brain is just too busy on other things to think much about writing and what I am doing isn’t always something very interesting to write about per say. I’ve got to sit down and do some thinking. I also want to get back to some writing too at some point in the near future. I miss writing but my brain just isn’t into it.
Rogier, Ivan and I all went to the gun club again today and did our first round of competition shooting. We all used the air rifle this time.
Our scores were as follows…
Ivan 224
Rogier 179
Megan 155
That is out of 400 points maximum.
I actually missed the target on 8 of the 40 cards we have to shoot for the competition. So I missed out on a lot of points. I am going to try very hard to do better on Monday when we go back.
I have no idea what to write about tonight. Just having a quiet night after working with the kids and my piano lesson. I’m a bit tired, maybe I will head to bed soon. Rogier’s got the next 4 days off but I still work the next two. hehe
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